Another Year Older

Can't believe it's been 11 years already.  I remember bringing her home and she was the tiniest little thing, even at 7lbs 14oz.  Such an amazing little being. 


She knew how to give a scuzz at the ripe age of six months,  walking at 10, talking shortly after and the sweetest little mullet one ever did see!

Every year we celebrate her birth in Lava Hot Springs, Idaho. This year was no different. Swimming, floating the river and visiting the secret gardens is what we do.

Unfortunately Miah had a tragic experience floating the Provo river earlier in the year, so this time she was terrified of what might happen. Not that I blame her because I, too, almost drown in that damn river!

Nonetheless it was a success, no injuries and no near death experiences.

She actually had three celebrations: Lava, one with her Pops and one with friends. Of course she got spoiled, had fun and made memories.

August is always a busy month for us. She participated in her very first soccer tournament-Sparta Cup. They unfortunately lost, but there's always next year. ;)

School started... and now she's a 6th grader. Can't believe next year she'll be in Jr. High already. (Know how I know I'm old? ^^That's how!)

The end of the month is always Mountain Men Rendezvous in Ft Bridger, WY. Good times there as well, with family and friends.

It's a beautiful thing watching her grow into this strong, loving, sassy little tween. (Let's be honest, I could deal with a little less sass, but she IS her mother's daughter.)

She is an extremely blessed and loved little girl and for that, I am thankful. I believe it's true it takes a village to raise a child and I could not do it without the love and support of mine. To those of you who help me raise this little girl, thank you!

Until next August. ... HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY GIRL!

<3

Self-Compassion

As many of you know I just attended an Impact training this past week and a few of you have been asking to hear about it.... For starters, I'm not allowed to discuss the processes - or stories shared - in the training. Only my experience. Sooo, here we go!

Going into the training I heard feedback about Impact and it's "Cult" mentality, but if you think about it, what really is a Cult? A group of people with the same idea about something, idolizing a specific person, usually religious based? That's how I would define it.

Well good news, I can assure you this is no Cult! Yes, it is a group of people coming together to better themselves, but no religion is discussed. Yes, possibly I do admire our instructor and the founder, too, but I definitely DO NOT idolize them! We were also free to leave at anytime.

I admit when I first attended I took a look around the room and due to the order of things, including the décor, I did wonder... "Is this a Cult?" ha

I get it... Many people see the teachings of Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer, etc. as "Cultish" as well, but some people take it to the extreme! Really what it boils down to is this... if you're choosing to not use common sense in how you apply what you have been taught and continue to buy, buy, buy, then you are the only one to blame for creating the so called "Cult."

Cult or not, I can honestly say Impact was probably the most enlightening experience I have ever had IN.MY.LIFE! 

It was also the VERY first time I have ever TRULY connected with someone, for who they really are, with NO judgment (good or bad). I was lucky enough to meet and spend time with my inner child, and the first time... I have been educated on something that stuck - changing my DNA - without taking a single note.

I experienced some really uplifting things, and some EXTREMELY grueling things, during the process. I'm pretty sure I know what Hell is like. (No joke!)

One of the first things we go over is a set of ground rules, giving our word to abide by them. Bringing us to the reason we aren't allowed to talk about the training and only our experiences. This also creates a safe space for all those who attend. Annnnnnnd lets be honest, it's a business tactic, too. 

If you think about it, at the end of the day, what is it we really have? Our Word. Even if we decide to break it and no one knows, WE have to live with that.

My experience with Impact allowed me to truly take a look at my past and LET IT GO. Will my old ways rear their ugly little head again about my beliefs, behaviors, and actions? Possibly, but only if I CHOOSE to let them.

At Impact I learned to lead with my heart and not my head (EGO-Mind). How many times do we go back and forth between the levels of awareness (lowest level being a mystery and the highest being just knowing - or intuition)?

I used to LIVE there! The lowest level. Analyzing what I thought I knew about life and situations so much it always went back to being a mystery. Luckily it was made clear to me that the walls I built around my intuition my entire life (because of what I've been told, taught, or experienced and accepted), just wasn't working.

Is there a right or wrong way to anything? Or... are there just things that either work, or don't work? What works for us doesn't necessarily work for others, and that's ok. 

When something isn't working in our life, what do we do? Most of us give up, blame something, have excuses, or live insanely (going back and forth, analyzing and trying to make sense of what is, trying to get a different result with the same action), really missing the whole point... It's about changing our approach until we figure out what does/is working for us.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again... my belief on life is we are here to create, experience and grow. How else do we grow if we don't "mess up" or "succeed?" There is duality in all things. How would we know what wasn't if we didn't know what was?

I also gained knowledge regarding how to no longer be a victim to my experiences in life. After all, I did create them in one way or another. Whether I attracted it, declared it, or agreed before I came to this world to endure it; it all assists in my growth. There are no accidents.

The instructor told us an experience the Founder, Hans Berger, had with a Rocket Scientist - Wernher von Braun. (Note: some of this may not be word-for-word, but you get the gist). 
He told us one night they were walking gazing into space. Hans said "What do you suppose is out there?" and Wernher said " I know what is out there - extreme order and love. If I miscalculate one second, my mission will fail. The only thing in chaos in this Universe is us." <-- that I believe and the reasoning behind it? Our blessed, and sometimes not so blessed, freedom of choice and free-will.

We have the choice to do anything we put our heart into. That includes the good, bad, and ugly! There is no cause and effect, there is simply the choice to create or be the victim. Being accountable for our actions is really the only thing that frees us.

To the extent we forgive, is the extent we will be able to let go. 

The beauty behind it all is the choice we have to react. It's up to us how we live our life. The things we create and the way we react to them.

Many of us want HELP, but what is help? What we really are looking for is assistance in this life. If assistance is what you want, truly wanting to better your life (for you), along with some tools to help you... I highly recommend Impact!

Never have I ever disclosed such personal information to strangers and received feedback like this. It was quite eye-opening. *MIND BLOWN*

The instructor also said something that really struck home... he said "only the great ones come to this realm." I believe that is something we need to remember the next time we judge, point a finger, think we are above, etc. This life is not easy... only the great ones have chosen to endure it, even if what they are choosing isn't working. 

Special thanks to Samantha for going thru this with me, supporting me long the way. And to her sister and brother, Leticia and Kevin, for being our Angel's. We couldn't have done it without you!

I walked away from Impact knowing who I am, what I stand for, passion, joy, trust, freedom, love and most importantly knowing... just knowing.

<3

Things that make you go hmmm.

Change. What is it about change that is so hard? For being the only thing that is consistent in our lives, why does it have to be so crippling at times? Is pain really a part of growth? I'm afraid so. 

I keep thinking about how it used to be... I guess it goes to show you... do we ever really know? Does one ever TRULY know?

For me I feel like as my life goes on, I most definitely learn A LOT, but right when I think I have it all figured out... I fall. Like a child walking on the same ice patch that forms outside of your childhood door EVERY winter. It's always there, so why do I keep slipping in that same damn spot?!

I think the grieving process is the toughest part of all change... any and all added drama inserted here just intensifies this process IMMENSELY. The loss of a loved one and what was, friendships, as well as potential family members... all feels like many deaths to me.

 

I wouldn't usually consider myself a sensitive person, but ewwwwwie! Letting go of people I care about has always been one of my biggest struggles. (Ouchie)

Next up, or in parallel,  is the questioning phase. Any and all thoughts go through my head.... what if, what if, what if?

But can you change it?  Is it meant to be changed?  Do things really happen for a reason? Is there a life lesson from this all?  Or is it simply putting me where I'm supposed be?
When I figure these things out,  I will def let you know, but I have a feeling it'll be quite some time. 

Luckily I've been blessed with great friends, and an amazing family, who have all been amazingly supportive. I have to remind myself regardless of how hard my battles may seem, someone else out there is battling something much worse. So, be thankful always. 

I've recently been reminded that "happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them. Imagine all the wondrous things your mind might embrace if it weren't so tightly wrapped around our struggles. Always look at what you have, instead of what you have lost. Because it's not what the world takes away from you that counts; it's what you do with what you have left." 


Trying to make peace with the past, leaving it there and focusing on what's in front of me, are the next steps. I'm trying my hardest to take that step forward, but lately I feel stuck.

Until then, one day at a time is all one can do. All with love. 

Even tho in times like these we may want life to slow down, it stays ever so busy! 

We visited the bestie, Amber, in Portland. What a beautiful place. It's amazing how healing the ocean can be. We visited Multnomah Falls, Cannon Beach and downtown Portland. Miah had a blast and really bonded with Damian and Shi Shi (little Sassy McSasserson). I loved spending time with the bestie and I can't wait until she comes home. 

We've been lucky enough to take the trailer and ATVs on a joy ride over Memorial.  Vernon Reservoir is where it's at! The children,  and adults,  had a great time playing in the dirt and shrubbery... and lets not forget the mud!

Our friend Tamara finally got married,  lucky girl! We've all been friends for many years... it's so amazing seeing your loved ones find their happiness. 

Miah's soccer break lasted all but a month.  She's back at it in a couple weeks.
She made the team tho, that's always a plus. She was so nervous about tryouts. It's cute watching her sweat! 

That time finally came.  Miah got her first cavity. She made it 10 years with zero, so I was pretty happy about that, but she was extremely devastated!  She cried for an hour straight when the dentist told her she had a cavity.  I took her for her filling a few weeks later. I think she learned her lesson. Hopefully no more cavities for her. (Poor Squish)

There's been a couple visits to Wendover and the lovely PRIDE weekend just passed. 
It's always fun joining in on the festivities there.  It's the one time a year you see most of your fellow homos all in one spot.  Lots of craziness and plenty of love.  But let's be honest,  drama too! 

For some reason there's this sickness that spreads throughout Salt Lakes water and everyone and their dogs end up taking different paths.  Then they all run into each other at PRIDE, and, well... what face do you make?

It's time for summer. Sunshine, lakes, camping trips, swim pools, bbqs, family, friends and nice tans. To start it off fresh, we planted a garden... New seeds. New life. New experiences and new opportunities. 

Hold on. Trust in life. And watch it sprout. <3

It's Never Easy Saying Goodbye...

I'm assuming by the name change many of you are probably wondering "what the, huh?!"

It's true... and I'm sad to inform you, that Miss Wong and I have decided to go our separate ways. This definitely wasn't an easy decision, but most likely the best one.

A while back I wrote a blog about relationship blunders, and it looks like the Power Struggle phase got the best of us.

I debated writing about this at all; fearing the judgment I know will be projected. but at the end of the day, I promised myself when starting this blog that I would be as honest as I could re my experiences that take place in my life.

Mind you, I started the blog for baby girl and any future children I may have. I want them to know what we went through as a family (good, bad and the ugly) and if (God forbid) anything were to happen to me, they have a piece of me always. Plus, who makes scrap books these days or prints all of their photo's?

I hate to say goodbye, but I also truly believe each parted relationship is a stepping stone to the right one.

I've learned so much in my three and a half years with Jack. They seemed perfect, and were fought for - extremley hard p.s! There was amazingness, fun, challenges, and crazy times all in one. Aren't most relationships filled with a little of everything? But most of all... worth it. I wouldn't have changed a thing and I have zero regrets.

I know breakups don't only affect us, but our loved ones, too. The sense of community we once had is definitely something that will be heavily mourned.

So for all of you who supported us, thank you. For those of you who will part ways due to this, good luck. And for those of you who continue on this journey we call life with me, cheers to many more memories to come. I am truly grateful for all of the love and support you send my way.

Sometimes you just can't love someone the way they need to be loved, no matter how hard you try. And sometimes, they can't love you just as you are either.

One thing I learned... ALWAYS be me... make compromises, yes, but no one should have to change, for someone else.

Please remember to love openly, speak kindly and do not judge - for only they know the story.

<3

"The most amazing moment was when we met
The love and time I have shared with you
have all been; without regret...

In spite of our love
I am painfully aware
That you are gone
And no longer there...

Our minds are made up and you went away
I know it's pointless to wish for you to stay...

Often I don’t know what to say or do
So many times, I have cried over you
Emptiness and sorrow is now a part of me
Since I have to accept, that we will never be...

BUT

Our memories continue to live in my heart
As I wish you well, with your brand-new start...

Please, believe me when I say
You will always be with me
Come what may..." S.W.

Bunco Nights

Nothing like Bunco night....

Seriously,  it's the one time each month I get out all the gossip and get to hear even more!

It's so funny sitting back and watching the different types of conversations my straight girlfriends have compared to the homo homies.

Each month we get together and whoever hosts that month is responsible for dinner and set up; this month was my turn. 

We always want at least 12 ladies, but sometimes we only have eight or so... And boy should you hear the conversations had if you say you're coming and don't show. Bunco is no joke... Is taken very seriously! If you are on the list as a 'permanent,' you show up or put your reputation on the line! (Not Really... well, ish.)

My very first Bunco experience consisted of conversations re batman vaginas. I won't say whos, but Batman?! Lol

Most the ladies are straight so we talk about dumb girls, baby daddy's, failed marriages, the awkwardness between all parties after the failed marriage, the big S - or the lack there of, dating (and how horrible it sucks!), custody, butt hair, what Bunco with Morman ladies is like (something about peppermint oil or lotion and the affects of it down south.... ha), breast milk, and 7 sided dice. <-- Yep, someone said "so is there a 7 on this die?" WOW! (Maybe it's the alcohol?)

Don't get me wrong, our lesbians friends talk have girl talk, but nothing like my straighties. It all comes out... they are truly fierce!

I appreciate you ladies and our crazy convos.  Until next month.  Practice your rolling skills - gotta win that money! No, we are not happy when we lose... or happy for the winners... "what the? 14 losses? For real?!"