It's been almost three years since I’ve blogged... WOAH, that went by way too quickly and not quickly enough! I've had a hard time coming back to this place after what transpired with "Brittany 2020." It was a thing. She was a thing. But sharing our experiences is what helps us be better humans - compassion, mercy and grace are all things every single one of us need.
I’ve always struggled with my memory, but now... wow! It is WILD what I can't remember. January 2020 started out like a normal year (so I thought).
Backstory: since Miah was born, I have struggled with bouts of depression. Winter, for me, is when I feel at my best and 2020 was no different. Looking back, I can see now where things started to spiral, but in it, I never noticed a thing.
March 2020 was not a good month for me. I made a choice that led to the demise of my marriage. Beginning with the risky behavior and carelessness, next came the betrayal. I stepped out on my relationship, disappointed my daughter, spent large amounts of money on frivolous things and surrounded myself with toxic relationships. At the time I didn't think these relationships were toxic, but it all became clear quickly.
I've never considered myself a toxic person. I am empathetic and know this life is not easy for any of us, but in 2020 I was the MOST toxic! Fighting all the time with Miah, skipping work, spending thousands and thousands of dollars, risky behavior, sexual inuendo's, among other things.
In October 2019 a Dr. prescribed a mood stabilizer medication to see if it could help with the depression and told me that I may be bipolar. A few months later is when it all started.
July 2020 things took a turn for the worst! I don't remember much, but from what I do it is terribly embarrassing. The months leading up were filled with bad decisions, remorse and things I could never 'take back.'
My friend Christy came over the night before the fall. She said I was pacing back and forth, sitting and standing, and could not focus on what she had originally come over to help me with. My house was dirty, and Miah was gone. Miah and I had gotten in an argument, and she moved to her dad's, and yes, with my unsolicited assistance. There were people at the house constantly and Christy said it's something she had never seen.
I do not remember.
She called my mom and told her I needed help, and something was really wrong. That next day/night, I apparently was sitting in the same spot just staring at a wall and not saying much. I wouldn't eat, sleep or talk.
I do not remember.
Whilst staring at the wall, I managed to muster up the words to say, "I need help, call my mom." The next morning my mom came to pick me up and took me to the hospital.
When I reached the hospital I couldn't speak, so the State took legal custody of me as I could not make decisions for myself as an adult. I was acting really strange, paranoid and disconnected.
I do not remember.
In the hospital I continued with the paranoia. I thought people were listening to me, I thought I was in trouble, and I felt like I was part of a skit. I was in the hospital for five weeks… FIVE weeks, and I barely remember most of the experience or what it even looks like. Mostly the frightful and negative ones stand out.
In the hospital they diagnosed me with Major Depression with Bi-polar tendencies. Apparently, there were a couple things going on. I had been having a manic episode, which explains the strange behavior, fell into a catatonic state and went into psychosis.
Psychosis: a severe mental disorder in which thought, and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.
This was why I was so paranoid, scared and lost.... I didn't know what was real and what wasn't.
I do not remember.
I have never experienced Mania before - at least that I know of. When we were going over the symptoms in the DSM, it was clear. A Manic Episode is described by below and I had all of the symptoms.
They believe it was the medication I was on that led to the Mania and ultimately my demise, but they are not sure. it could have been stress, alcohol, and any of the poor behaviors I was involved in prior. Do you know how frustrating it is not to know what happened to you? Why your body shuts down and you end up in Uni after 38 years of life?
I think it could even be the possibility of God assisting putting where I’m supposed to be, if you will. Like a loving Father giving their child discipline. Who knows?
While in the hospital they put me on a handful of medications and administered 22 ECT (shock therapy) sessions within a two-month period. The biggest side effect of that is short-term memory loss.
Thus, I do not remember.
ECT is illegal in some states because it is so dangerous.
It's weird going through something like this at almost 40. You think you know, but you don't. I've struggled with depression since Miah was born. I've tried a bajillion medication, therapy, retreats, meditation, gotten my blood work and implemented needed supplements and still couldn't figure it out.
If you are someone who struggles with depression, please hang on. Life is beautiful and it is tough, but it’s worth living. I have been on this journey, living with depression, since shortly after having Miah. I have tried too many medications to count, retreats, meditation, Impact Trainings and of course turned to God to help me with coping. Nothing really had a lasting effect.
I’m lucky to say, since July 2020, I have not had one bout of depression. I'm not sure if it was the shock therapy, or getting my medication right, but either way. I will take it!
“Depression is heavy. If you’ve experienced it, you know just how significant its weight can be. Far too many will a carry it silently due to shame and stigma. But that doesn’t need to be the case.”
If you ever need someone to talk to, reach out - you are not alone. ❤️🌻
