Titled 'The Good Life After'

Raw... what is it to be raw? Why is it so hard to let the world in when we're in pain, struggling, or fighting some sort of battle? Is it because we are afraid to admit our struggles, be vulnerable, or show signs of weakness? Or... is it because we fear judgment?

This year has been one of the most amazing and worst years of my life!

It started out with bright ideas regarding my future. We had the business, plans of a baby, and so on... Then it all came crashing down shortly after. 

In hindsight I am absolutely okay with how things played out, and today - where I stand - I KNOW everything happened for a reason; there are no accidents. However, it took me quite a while to come to that perspective. 

I felt a lot of guilt for being the one to "pull the trigger," then I laid down... allowed ill-treatment from others and was even more cruel to myself than anyone could have ever been. I can honestly say, "never have I ever" felt so much sorrow. I knew what I needed to do to pull myself out of the funk but I still couldn't; or I chose not to. 

I was extremely depressed this summer... I felt like I didn't really care what happened and that I didn't deserve happiness. I analyzed the events in my life focusing mostly on the failures; in particular, my failed relationships. I wondered why things went the way they did, questioning if I self sabotaged, had commitment issues or just feared failure so much that when people get close, I push.

I was stuck in the lowest levels of awareness wondering, stressing, trying to find answers and wanting to control my situation. I told myself to allow myself to face, and feel, any emotion that came about - 100% - in hopes that I would never have to feel that way again. I forced myself to be alone, realizing how co-dependent I had become.

It really did feel like mourning many deaths for me.... And still to this day, I am shocked at things people think are the truth. (WOW!)

Nonetheless, I was lucky enough to have amazing support from family and friends, largely Kelsie, Twinner, Abbey, Sam, Alyse, Alycia, Ms. Loya, Kiko, Dreem Lee and of course my person, Christina. 

I don't think they really know how much it meant to me. Tho I felt so lost, they assisted me in finding the light again - whether they realize it or not.

I am incredibly thankful for the people in my life. I know that people come into and out of our lives for a reason, but I am blessed to have many "lifers."

Looking back,  I wouldn't change a thing. I now know I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Though that doesn't make the situations any easier, this year was a shedding of the old and the beginning of the next chapter... Titled 'The Good Life After.' 

I am thankful for those experiences, judgments, losses and gains.  They taught me so much and brought me to things and people that may not have come about had I not gone down that path. 

I am excited for the future but I am more focused on "right now" than ever. This year was quite the roller coaster,  but the pendulum ALWAYS has to swing the other way. So if any of you are feeling lost in life, know that and trust it... It does get better!

This Christmas was a little different than the last few. It was my first year without Squish on Christmas morning, but I did get to spend time with her for a bit on Christmas Eve. I spent the night at Christy's house and had Christmas with the William-Longoria's. Tho different, it was perfect. 

We had dinner, merry margaritas, and we even got to take our yearly matchy matchy pj/feet pic.

It was nice to be able to see kids open gifts in the morning with such excitement. Thanks again for letting me spend Christmas with you. ❤

This month ended just right... Christmas surprises, baby Jesus celebrations and three of my most favorite peeps day of birth: KatyThomas.com, Kimberly and of course my Momma. 

There's been realization (lots of tears), friends, family and lots of fun this year... Now we're off to Lava to ring in the New Year. Excited to see what 2015 brings... be safe, and until next year. 

<3

 

 

  

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

  

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Shift...

As many of you know I just attended an Impact training this past week and a few of you have been asking to hear about it.... For starters, I'm not allowed to discuss the processes - or stories shared - in the training. Only my experience. Sooo, here we go!

Going into the training I heard feedback about Impact and it's "Cult" mentality, but if you think about it, what really is a Cult? A group of people with the same idea about something, idolizing a specific person, usually religious based? That's how I would define it.

Well good news, I can assure you this is no Cult! Yes, it is a group of people coming together to better themselves, but no religion is discussed. Yes, possibly I do admire our instructor and the founder, too, but I definitely DO NOT idolize them! We were also free to leave at anytime.

I admit when I first attended I took a look around the room and due to the order of things, including the décor, I did wonder... "Is this a Cult?" ha

I get it... Many people see the teachings of Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer, etc. as "Cultish" as well, but some people take it to the extreme! Really what it boils down to is this... if you're choosing to not use common sense in how you apply what you have been taught and continue to buy, buy, buy, then you are the only one to blame for creating the so called "Cult."

Cult or not, I can honestly say Impact was probably the most enlightening experience I have ever had IN.MY.LIFE! 

It was also the VERY first time I have ever TRULY connected with someone, for who they really are, with NO judgment (good or bad). I was lucky enough to meet and spend time with my inner child, and the first time... I have been educated on something that stuck - changing my DNA - without taking a single note.

I experienced some really uplifting things, and some EXTREMELY grueling things, during the process. I'm pretty sure I know what Hell is like. (No joke!)

One of the first things we go over is a set of ground rules, giving our word to abide by them. Bringing us to the reason we aren't allowed to talk about the training and only our experiences. This also creates a safe space for all those who attend. Annnnnnnd lets be honest, it's a business tactic, too. 

If you think about it, at the end of the day, what is it we really have? Our Word. Even if we decide to break it and no one knows, WE have to live with that.

My experience with Impact allowed me to truly take a look at my past and LET IT GO. Will my old ways rear their ugly little head again about my beliefs, behaviors, and actions? Possibly, but only if I CHOOSE to let them.

At Impact I learned to lead with my heart and not my head (EGO-Mind). How many times do we go back and forth between the levels of awareness (lowest level being a mystery and the highest being just knowing - or intuition)?

I used to LIVE there! The lowest level. Analyzing what I thought I knew about life and situations so much it always went back to being a mystery. Luckily it was made clear to me that the walls I built around my intuition my entire life (because of what I've been told, taught, or experienced and accepted), just wasn't working.

Is there a right or wrong way to anything? Or... are there just things that either work, or don't work? What works for us doesn't necessarily work for others, and that's ok. 

When something isn't working in our life, what do we do? Most of us give up, blame something, have excuses, or live insanely (going back and forth, analyzing and trying to make sense of what is, trying to get a different result with the same action), really missing the whole point... It's about changing our approach until we figure out what does/is working for us.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again... my belief on life is we are here to create, experience and grow. How else do we grow if we don't "mess up" or "succeed?" There is duality in all things. How would we know what wasn't if we didn't know what was?

I also gained knowledge regarding how to no longer be a victim to my experiences in life. After all, I did create them in one way or another. Whether I attracted it, declared it, or agreed before I came to this world to endure it; it all assists in my growth. There are no accidents.

The instructor told us an experience the Founder, Hans Berger, had with a Rocket Scientist - Wernher von Braun. (Note: some of this may not be word-for-word, but you get the gist). 
He told us one night they were walking gazing into space. Hans said "What do you suppose is out there?" and Wernher said " I know what is out there - extreme order and love. If I miscalculate one second, my mission will fail. The only thing in chaos in this Universe is us." <-- that I believe and the reasoning behind it? Our blessed, and sometimes not so blessed, freedom of choice and free-will.

We have the choice to do anything we put our heart into. That includes the good, bad, and ugly! There is no cause and effect, there is simply the choice to create or be the victim. Being accountable for our actions is really the only thing that frees us.

To the extent we forgive, is the extent we will be able to let go. 

The beauty behind it all is the choice we have to react. It's up to us how we live our life. The things we create and the way we react to them.

Many of us want HELP, but what is help? What we really are looking for is assistance in this life. If assistance is what you want, truly wanting to better your life (for you), along with some tools to help you... I highly recommend Impact!

Never have I ever disclosed such personal information to strangers and received feedback like this. It was quite eye-opening. *MIND BLOWN*

The instructor also said something that really struck home... he said "only the great ones come to this realm." I believe that is something we need to remember the next time we judge, point a finger, think we are above, etc. This life is not easy... only the great ones have chosen to endure it, even if what they are choosing isn't working. 

Special thanks to Samantha for going thru this with me, supporting me long the way. And to her sister and brother, Leticia and Kevin, for being our Angel's. We couldn't have done it without you!

I walked away from Impact knowing who I am, what I stand for, passion, joy, trust, freedom, love and most importantly knowing... just knowing.

<3

Today... I Am Thankful

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, and a stranger into a friend." Melody Beattie

 

Mmmm... Thanksgiving, good to see you again. The time spent with family and friends during the holidays - and lets be honest... the food, parties and ugly sweaters that come along with them - all make my heart warm and fuzzy inside. (ha)

 

Thanksgiving is one of the many times I sit back and reflect on my life, counting all the ways/things/experiences I am thankful for. Even the ones that may not seem quite like blessing, always are.

 

November was a good month filled with Utah games, taking baby girl to the Leonardo for the Body Exhibit (so cool!), BF breakfast and mimosa's, kiddie dates, time on the mat (we meet a few times a week doing yoga and it has been just what I needed), stay-cations in Midway, Wendover shenanigans, Color Me Mine dates, The Hunger Games release (yeah, we're those girls), another book report squish had to do (this one was on a book about the Nazi's - interesting to watch her read the stories walking away with such an impactful message), Thanksgiving with my loves (including our yearly tradition of feeding the homeless), Twinner moves home, bathroom upgrades (Merry Christmas to me), and of course, more football!

My life truly is blessed and I believe there is ALWAYS much to be thankful for. Regardless of our trials, we really are all one beating heart and we need to remember that. Forgiving quickly, loving unconditionally and speaking kindly.

 

Today I am thankful... and for that, I would like to say thanks. So...

• First, and foremost, thank you God for the breath you give me.
• Thank you baby girl, Maddy and Shady Boo for our little family.
• Thank you Momma, Brother(s) and Sis(s) for your unconditional love.
• Thank you besties... for being there thru thick and thin..My lifers, whom I also call my family.
• Thank you roof over my head and the career that helps keep it there.
• Thank you food for being so attainable and nourishing.
• Thank you forgiveness; for without you, we'd all be lost.
• Thank you U.S of A for allowing us freedom and the possibility to be/do whatever it is that we want.
• Thank you teacher's; the good, the bad, and even the ugly. Without you, I would have no growth.
• Thank you light that shines at the end of the tunnel.
• Thank you Universe for the limitless opportunities that come my way.
• Thank you "Pony" for not giving up on me when I almost gave up on myself.
• Thank you Village for helping me love, nurture and raise this beautiful girl.
• Thank you Sacred City for all that you've showed me.
• Thank you new friendships... for showing me the necessity of releasing old relationships to make room for new.
• Thank you love; for without you there would be no joy.
• Thank you "My Person," I could not do this life without you.
• Thank  you baby daddy... for the amazing father you are to our baby girl.

I've realized the goal in this life is not to connect with the 8 million outsiders in this world, but to connect closely with those who resonate with you best. So thank you to all of you on my journey. And for those still with me... let's make this last month count.

 

<3